We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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