somebody snuck up and got me drunk
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
