The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
