i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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