had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
