FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
