his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
