i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Randomize
