The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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