Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Randomize
