he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
