How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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