They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
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i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
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SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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