is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
