tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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