Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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