he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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