Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
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I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
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I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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