Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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