I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
