she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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