Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
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how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
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Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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