the day after is always just damage control
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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