Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
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