Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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