I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
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