So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
