So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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