That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
