i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
