I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize