hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
