I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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