i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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