You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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