considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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