hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
