Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
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Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
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Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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