Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
