I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
