He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
