Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
being pregnant is like rehab
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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