Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
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We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
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This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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