M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
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