If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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