why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
