Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
