Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
