I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
