oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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