What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
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