but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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