I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
grandma shit on top of the toilet
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
