So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
