if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
