Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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