I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
