Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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